


The Secrets We Keep

by thelatemissswire



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Canon Era, Closeted Character, F/F, Queer Themes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-23
Updated: 2013-10-23
Packaged: 2017-12-30 06:55:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1015523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelatemissswire/pseuds/thelatemissswire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Marconi Scandal isn't the only thing Lavinia has to hide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Secrets We Keep

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that I haven't bungled Matthew's character too terribly; for some reason it's always been a bit difficult for me to write his character well. Matthew and Lavinia's romance might seem a bit rushed here, but that's intentional on my part. Their relationship seemed rather hasty in the show--Isobel put it best when she said Matthew's engagement seemed hurried--and I wanted that to come through in this story as well.
> 
> As for Reggie Swire, we know so little about him besides the fact that he loved Lavinia dearly and left his money to Matthew, so I thought it would be interesting to make him sort of a well-meaning but awkward father.

 Matthew Crawley would make an excellent husband.

This was what Lavinia Swire thought, upon the conclusion of her first meeting with her father's associate. The young Lieutenant Crawley had been invited to the Swires' home for dinner, and had impressed Lavinia as the sort of man any father would feel blessed to have as a son-in-law. In fact, he was such good husband material that Lavinia was almost certain her father was deliberately trying to throw them together.

Throughout dinner, Reggie Swire constantly attempted to direct Matthew's attention towards Lavinia, by boasting about her accomplishments, her good personality, and (most embarrassingly for Lavinia) the way the dress she was wearing perfectly complimented her red hair and made her look like a lively flame. Any ordinary man would have fled permanently from the Swire home at that instant, and Lavinia wouldn't have thought ill of them at all; completely mortified by her father's lack of tact, she felt very much like running away herself. But Matthew listened attentively as Lavinia's father continued to ramble about all his daughter's best qualities, and gave no indication of boredom or annoyance.

When Reggie's attentions were momentarily distracted elsewhere, Matthew caught Lavinia's gaze and smiled at her. It was a gentle, understanding smile, one that conveyed to her that Matthew thought no less of her despite her father's over-zealousness at playing matchmaker. Though Lavinia didn't want to encourage her father further by indicating any sort of interest in Matthew, she couldn't help but return his warm, kind smile with a tiny smile of her own.

“Ah! See now Mr. Crawley, you've thoroughly charmed my daughter. Look how she smiles at you!” Mr. Swire exclaimed, causing Lavinia's smile to be replaced by an expression of pure embarrassment. She felt her face turn what she supposed must be a very deep shade of red. “You must be making quite an impression on her to get her to smile like that. Usually she's so quiet and reserved about her emotions, I sometimes fear she's been replaced by a china doll!”

“Papa, please...” Lavinia whispered, tugging on the edge of her father's sleeve.

“It is very nice to see her smile like that,” Matthew agreed. “I was worried at first that she didn't like me.”

“Oh no!” Reggie cried. “I'm sure she doesn't dislike you at all—isn't that so, Lavinia dearest?” He and Matthew both turned to Lavinia, waiting expectantly for her response. Lavinia desperately wished the floor would open up and swallow her whole.

“No I....I don't dislike Mr. Crawley,” Lavinia said hesitantly. “I just...I was just caught up in my own thoughts, that's all. I didn't mean any rudeness to you, Mr. Crawley. It's just a bad habit I've developed, I suppose, since we don't usually have very many visitors and the house is generally so quiet. I apologize if I caused you any offense.” What she said was true to an extent. Although not the primary cause of her current discomfort, Lavinia _was_ mostly used to being alone; until recently, the Swires had rarely entertained any guests, and Lavinia spent most of her time quietly contemplating her own thoughts.

“Oh my dear girl,” Reggie said softly, and gently squeezed his daughter's hand. “You must understand, Mr. Crawley, that I've only been able to give my daughter half a life. Her mother died when she was very young, and she has no siblings, so I'm afraid it's just been she and I for a very long time. I've tried to offer her companionship as much as I can, but with work it's sometimes hard, and I know so little about the pleasures of today's youth. I know it must be hard for you, my dear Lavinia.” He gazed apologetically at his daughter.

Surprised by the sudden shift in her father's mood, Lavinia falteringly tried to lift his spirits.

“No, Papa, you've done wonderfully raising me, truly you have...” she began, but trailed off when her father's mournful expression only deepened.

“I think you've done a fine job with your daughter, Mr. Swire,” Matthew interjected. “And I completely understand the difficulties of being an only child; I'm one myself, you know.” Turning to Lavinia, he said, “It's really can be quite lonely sometimes, can't it? I always wanted a sister or brother of my own to have adventures with. Though--” and here his gaze became unfocused, as if he were thinking about something that had happened in the past, “--from what I've seen of siblings, they can cause each a great deal of pain and annoyance as well. Especially sisters.”

“Really?” Lavinia asked inquisitively. Having never had a sister herself, she had always been curious about how they interacted with each other. “How do you know?”

“Oh! Well, I have some cousins. Three girls, fairly close to your age. They're sisters, and they get into all sorts of scraps with each other; it's to be expected, though, since they all have such...distinctive personalities.”

Lavinia noticed a very subtle shift in Matthew's demeanor as he talked about his cousins. The content, comfortable expression he'd worn for most of the dinner was replaced by a slightly pained look—as though talking about his cousins brought up memories he was trying to avoid. He continued to smile at Lavinia and her father, but the smile now seemed slightly forced.

Thanks to Reggie Swire's inability to detect slight changes in emotion, Lavinia quickly learned why Matthew's mood had changed.

“Are these the Earl of Grantham's daughters, then?” Reggie asked, oblivious to Matthew's upset look or to Lavinia gesturing desperately at him to change the subject.

“Yes,” Matthew said quietly. “Yes, they are.”

“Did you know, Lavinia, that Matthew is the heir to the Earl of Grantham?” Lavinia, finally giving up her attempts to convince her father to discuss something else, shook her head. “Yes, the old heir died on the Titanic—tragic incident, very tragic indeed—and now young Mr. Crawley is the heir. He actually lived with the Earl and his family for awhile, at Downton Abbey, although he's moved back to Manchester now.”

“I see,” said Lavinia. She had little knowledge about titles or hereditary estates, so the subject was of little interest to her. What was interesting, however, was the way Matthew continued to try, unsuccessfully, to deflect the conversation to other subjects, as though the thought of talking more about Downton Abbey was unbearable to him.

She wondered what must have caused him to dread the subject so, although unlike her father she was not tactless enough to ask. After dinner, her father not-so-subtly absented himself--“I've just gotten an urgent call about a case I'm working on, have to take it, will only be just a moment”--leaving Lavinia alone with Matthew in the foyer. They stood in an awkward silence for a few minutes, unsure of how to behave.

“Miss Swire--” Matthew began.

“Mr. Crawley--” Lavinia started, at the same time. They both laughed nervously at the misstep.

“You can go first,” Matthew kindly said. “What were you going to say?”

“I'm terribly sorry for how my father acted. I hope he hasn't made you too upset.”

“Oh, there's nothing to apologize for. I'm sure if I was your father I'd be just as verbose about your many assets as he was.”

“Oh!” Lavinia said with a blush, secretly pleased that he thought she had any assets to be proud of. “Oh, no, that's not what I meant...I meant to apologize for how my father kept interrogating you about your inheritance. I could see it wasn't a very pleasant subject for you; I hope he hasn't behaved too rudely.” Matthew's smile faded a touch.

“No, he didn't behave rudely at all,” he said quietly. “Not at all. It's only natural, I suppose, to be curious about how a solicitor from Manchester became heir to a country estate.” He shifted his weight from one foot to another and fiddled with the brim of his hat in his hands.

“I see,” said Lavinia, not wanting to make him feel any more ill-at-ease. “Well I'm glad of that. I know Papa can be terribly unperceptive sometimes, but he means well.” To distract Matthew further from her father's uncomfortable blunder, she asked, “What were you going to say? When we both started speaking at the same time, that is.” Matthew seemed to gain back a bit of his good spirits.

“Miss Swire,” he asked, “would you mind—that is, would you think...would you think it too terribly forward of me to call on you again? I know we've only just met, but I'd like to get to know you better—that is, if you wouldn't mind, of course.”

Not entirely sure of how to respond, Lavinia simply replied, “Yes, of course I wouldn't mind.” She was rewarded with a surprisingly happy smile from Matthew.

“You can't know how pleased I am to hear that,” he said. “I'll be busy with my regiment, of course, so I won't be able to drop very often...but I'll come as often as I can.” To Lavinia's surprise, he lifted her small hand in his and bestowed it with a chaste kiss. “I've enjoyed meeting you tonight very much, Miss Swire.”

“Please,” Lavinia said, bewildered by this sudden display of emotion, and unable to think clearly, “you can call me Lavinia.”

“Lavinia.” Matthew said. “I've enjoyed meeting you very much. And I'm sure we'll enjoy each other's company again soon.” With that, he put his hat on and walked out into the night, apparently having forgotten that he hadn't yet said goodbye to her father. Lavinia was left standing alone in the foyer, her thoughts racing wildly as she tried to comprehend what had just happened.

Reggie Swire emerged from the shadows; Lavinia suspected that he had been hiding just out of sight the entire time. Her suspicions were confirmed when, beaming, he declared, “Well! I think he liked you very much!”

“Yes, I suppose you're right,” she replied absentmindedly, still staring at the door through which Matthew had exited. Noticing a lack of enthusiasm in her voice, Reggie's expression changed to one of worry.

“You....you do like him, don't you dearest? I don't want to force you to do anything you're uncomfortable with. If you don't like him I can send him away the next time he comes by....”

Seeing her father's look of concern, Lavinia immediately banished away any doubts she might have had about Matthew Crawley. He was a good—no, an excellent—man, and Lavinia should consider herself lucky to be courted by him. He had a good career and a kind and gentle disposition; he would probably never treat her cruelly or take advantage of her, as other men might be tempted to do. And she genuinely did enjoy his company, though it was difficult to be entirely certain of this after one meeting.

Perhaps most importantly of all, her father's approval. Reggie Swire had already suffered through enough hardship in his life and had sacrificed so much for his daughter's happiness; Lavinia had no desire to cause any more trouble for him than she already had. If allowing herself to be courted by Matthew—and perhaps eventually marrying him—would make her father happy, then so be it. He would make an excellent husband, and she could do much worse.

 _And_ , she thought to herself, _having such a good man for a husband would protect us from any more scandal._

“I do like him Papa. I'm just a bit tired, that's all. It's been a very eventful evening. I think I'll go to bed now, if you don't mind.” She kissed her father's cheek and began to walk up the stairs.

“No of course darling. It has been rather eventful for you, hasn't it?” He paused. “But it's exciting too, don't you think? Having your first suitor.”

Lavinia breath caught in her throat and she stopped halfway up the stairs. “What do you mean by that?” she asked.

“Oh! Nothing much. Just that it's exciting, being courted for the first time—or from young Crawley's perspective, doing the courting. The thrill of first romance and all that. I remember how enjoyable it was for your mother and I...mind you, I was a bit nervous at first, just like you. But eventually I was courageous enough to propose—I had to be, of course, or else we wouldn't have had you.”

“Ah. I see,” Lavinia said, and resumed walking up the stairs. “Well, I'm sure it will be just as enjoyable for me as it was for you.”

“Be brave, darling!” her father called as she rounded the corner at the top of the staircase. “First romances are always frightening, but I know you and Matthew will make a fine match.”

Once Lavinia was sure he couldn't see her, she slumped against the wall and roughly dabbed away the tears that had begun to form in her eyes. Anger swelled up inside her stomach; anger at herself, for allowing feelings she thought she'd safely locked away to well up again, for letting her father's well-meaning words affect her so.

 _Yes, my first romance_ , Lavinia thought bitterly, _My first romance, because the other one doesn't count._

 

* * *

 

Later that night, Lavinia lay awake in bed, desperately wishing that sleep would overtake her. Her mind was a tangled muddle of thoughts: thoughts of Matthew, thoughts of her father, and, most damnably, thoughts of someone she would much rather not think of at all. Her father and the servants had all gone to sleep much earlier, and the house was silent. Normally she enjoyed the quiet; ever since she'd been a girl, the nighttime silence of the Swire household had allowed her a chance to gather her thoughts and ponder over the day's events as she gradually drifted off to sleep. Now, however, the lack of noise merely irritated her. She needed sound to help distract her from her brooding.

Finally, Lavinia threw aside her blankets, then walked across her room and sat down at the desk. There was only one way to deal with the thoughts that raced through her brain, and that was to confront them head on. Using the pen and paper she kept out for occasions such as this, she began to write.

“My darling Kitty,” she whispered out loud. “No. No! That's too forward, don't write that.” She crossed it out and began again.

 _Dearest Kitty,_  

_I hope this letter finds you well. It has been a while since I've heard from you, but I know you must be very busy setting up house in New York and I do not begrudge you for your silence at all. I also won't tell you how exactly how long it's been since I received your last letter, since I know you would just laugh and call me your “dear particular Vinny,” as you always do._

_(It's been five months, two weeks, and three days. And now you're probably laughing again, you knew I couldn't resist.)_

_Everything here is as always. Everyone is focused mainly on the war; I know the Americans haven't gotten involved yet, though many people hear wonder when they will. I hope they never do. I know how hard it would be for you to have your James go to war, especially since you've only had such a short time together. I hear almost everyday of young men I know going off to war. Some of my cousins have gone. It frightens me, knowing that they might not come back; everything seems to have changed so quickly, since war was first declared._

_Speaking of men (now, don't laugh at me again, you know I'm not very good at talking about these things and I have no idea how to start), tonight my father had one of his solicitor friends over for dinner. His name is Matthew Crawley. He's not terribly old, as you might think all of my father's associates are; I believe he's only a few years older than your James. He is from Manchester, from a good family. In fact, he's heir to the Earl of Grantham!_

_I have no idea if that actually means anything, I don't know as much as you do about lords and earls and all that. But I'm sure it's something suitably impressive, and that you are beside yourself with delight at my good fortune. I'm glad to have at least one tidbit of gossip to give to you, as you know I am usually such a bore._

_I wish you were here with me now, to help me. I'm quite uncertain of how to act around Mr. Crawley or what I should say; you know how inexperienced I am around men. You've always been my guide for such things._

 

Here Lavinia paused to read over what she'd written. She took a deep breath before continuing.

 

_I miss you dreadfully, Kitty. It's terribly lonely around here without you. As much as I love Papa—and you know I love him more dearly than I love myself—I think I still love you more. I know it will upset you to hear me say so. Before you left, you told me not to think of you so fondly, that it would sadden you to know I wasted away my time crying over you. You told me I should be brave, and that I would find someone like your James who would cherish me as much as I cherish you. I am trying to be brave, really I am. And I think, up until now, I have succeeded._

_Mr. Crawley is very kind, and gentle, and good-natured. Even though I have only known him for a short while, I think I could grow to love him very much. He is a very good person. I think I will probably marry him. If I do, I hope that you will be able to come back to England and help me plan the wedding, since you know I have no skill at such things._

_But for all his goodness, he isn't you, Kitty. I don't think anyone could replace you in my heart. I'm sure you're probably shaking your head at my weakness; it's the truth, though. You have always been, and probably always will be, the main object of all my love and care. I know I should keep my feelings a secret, and I have been trying to—but I must confess them this one final time, or else I feel I will explode._

_There. I've said what I intended to say, and now I will put my feelings for you aside, and will try to care for Matthew Crawley with as much devotion as I care for you. He really is a good man, and I think he will make an excellent husband._

_Give my love to your parents and to your James._  

_Yours, always yours,_

_Lavinia_

 

The last third of the letter was splotchy and illegible from Lavinia's tears. She'd never be able to send it now—not that she had actually intended on sending it in the first place. Kitty would never speak to her again if she actually read the letter. With a shaky sigh, Lavinia tore the letter into tiny fragments and threw them in the dustbin.

 

 


End file.
